june 21 2008
i really think God has been trying to test my patience and teach me how to be more patient about everything in my life. I need patience with my family. i need patience at work. I need to be patient with my relationships (alot of patience). I need patience (and peace) about my future, my career path. I need patience with changes in my life, and changes within myself. I feel like i had a bit of epiphany earlier int he car. I just really realized and saw that my future doesnt need to be so filled with deadlines and the pressure to be done with school, start a career and a fmaily all within the next several years. I get so worried about where Full Sail fits into the picture time wise and financially. and i worry about my career choice and where it will take me and when. I feel pressure to be done with school by may 2010 but im desperately hoping i can just wait till the fall. I feel the pressure (although i really dont want to) to be in a relationship, to find the one. but the thing i constantly have to remind myself of is to be patient, to seek out God's plan for my life. my life should go accoridng to His plan, not mine and certainly not anyone elses. i desperately need patience and i need to trust the Lord's plans.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
overcome with grief..
this entry was not dated in my journal but was written around the 11th or 12th of November 2008, shortly after caroline passed away...
i'm sitting at the ferg right now. i hear the sound of a hundred voices around me and it's like the whole world around me is moving at the speed of light and i'm stuck here..unmoved. i have responsobilities and i ahve to go on..but it's like the world doesn't allow you to mourn hwo you want for however long you want. i dont care about school. i dont care about work or making money. i dont want clothes. i dont want to do my everyday, beacuse now my everyday is missing caroline. i know she is with me in everything i do. but i miss her laugh. i miss going to her room everyday. i miss hearing the coffee maker in the morning. i miss seeing her smile. i miss her stories, her advice, her text messages, i miss making tea together. i miss everything. it's so overwhelming to think about. it's hard to breathe and everything reminds me of her. i just want her back. and i know thats selfish. i knwo she is where she is supposed to be. she is happier in heaven than she ver was on this earth. but my heart hurts. she was one of the greatest friends of my life. it seems like no one compares. she knew EVERYTHING about me. every weakness i saw in myself, every fear, every struggles, every triumph, everything in my past and everything i wanted in my future. i just want tone more conversation with her, so badly. i feel so lost today. i feel like i make no sense. i feel crazy and broken. how can something make so much sense and no sense at all, all at one time?
wow it's kind of difficult to go back and read that entry.. to relive those thoughts and feelings. The grieving process was difficult for me. especially when no one was around.. i felt so overcome by everything at that point. i felt like i was falling apart.. that was 9 months ago. I still miss caroline just as much and not a day goes by that i dont think of her or tell someone about her. she is on my mind frequently. but i am not overcome with grief. I am at peace now because God was with me the whole way. He ultimately was the one who got me through it all. and when i have my moments where i feel overcome and saddened again, God's right there to pick me up again and remind me to rejoice. I remember when Bryan came to my apartment the morning after the accident.. he packed some things of carolines in his car to take to atlanta.. one of those things being carolines bulletin board from her room that was filled with colored notecards that had her favorite verses written on them. the one that jumped out at me and that i couldnt stop looking at was Phillipians 4:4 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" in a time where i felt like it was utterly impossible to rejoice, this is the verse that stood out. pretty crazy. im thankful that i wrote down my thoughts in those most difficult moments..because now i'm able to look back and see where i am now and be thankful of how God responded to my grief and how he helped me get through it all. he was my strength.
i'm sitting at the ferg right now. i hear the sound of a hundred voices around me and it's like the whole world around me is moving at the speed of light and i'm stuck here..unmoved. i have responsobilities and i ahve to go on..but it's like the world doesn't allow you to mourn hwo you want for however long you want. i dont care about school. i dont care about work or making money. i dont want clothes. i dont want to do my everyday, beacuse now my everyday is missing caroline. i know she is with me in everything i do. but i miss her laugh. i miss going to her room everyday. i miss hearing the coffee maker in the morning. i miss seeing her smile. i miss her stories, her advice, her text messages, i miss making tea together. i miss everything. it's so overwhelming to think about. it's hard to breathe and everything reminds me of her. i just want her back. and i know thats selfish. i knwo she is where she is supposed to be. she is happier in heaven than she ver was on this earth. but my heart hurts. she was one of the greatest friends of my life. it seems like no one compares. she knew EVERYTHING about me. every weakness i saw in myself, every fear, every struggles, every triumph, everything in my past and everything i wanted in my future. i just want tone more conversation with her, so badly. i feel so lost today. i feel like i make no sense. i feel crazy and broken. how can something make so much sense and no sense at all, all at one time?
wow it's kind of difficult to go back and read that entry.. to relive those thoughts and feelings. The grieving process was difficult for me. especially when no one was around.. i felt so overcome by everything at that point. i felt like i was falling apart.. that was 9 months ago. I still miss caroline just as much and not a day goes by that i dont think of her or tell someone about her. she is on my mind frequently. but i am not overcome with grief. I am at peace now because God was with me the whole way. He ultimately was the one who got me through it all. and when i have my moments where i feel overcome and saddened again, God's right there to pick me up again and remind me to rejoice. I remember when Bryan came to my apartment the morning after the accident.. he packed some things of carolines in his car to take to atlanta.. one of those things being carolines bulletin board from her room that was filled with colored notecards that had her favorite verses written on them. the one that jumped out at me and that i couldnt stop looking at was Phillipians 4:4 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" in a time where i felt like it was utterly impossible to rejoice, this is the verse that stood out. pretty crazy. im thankful that i wrote down my thoughts in those most difficult moments..because now i'm able to look back and see where i am now and be thankful of how God responded to my grief and how he helped me get through it all. he was my strength.
Friday, July 31, 2009
dont they have dreams too?
october 3, 2008 9:51 pm listening to "destiny" by zero 7
today is the day. i'm on my flight to Chile right now. through Florida and about half an hour or so into the trip. so about 8 1/2 more hours! I got lucky and on both my connections flights and my current flights no one sat next to me. i'm especially glad about that on this flights so i cant stretch out and hopefully i'll sleep some. so i noticed alot of things today. i was looking out the plane window and i saw the guys outsdie directing the planes. or driving the carts with luggage and i thought to myself .. are they gonna psent ht erest of their lives doing that? signaling airplanes and moving luggage? it made me wonder, dont these people ahve dreams too? goals and amibitions? or do they actually want that for their life? maybe they dont belive their goals and dreams can be achieved. and althought i have doubts for my dreams at times, i cant imagine spending my life just settling for a mediocre life. working to live and living to work.
i like airports. i didnt get to spend a whoel lot of time in one today but i like people watching, wondering who they are, where they are going and what their story is. i wonder if people look at me and ask the same questions. its now 10:34pm and we are heading off the coast of florida and towards cuba. welel that's all for now.
ps. airplane food sucks. at least there was bread and butter.. my favorite! :)
well this is a bit more light-hearted than previous posts. but such a good example of how im always thinking about random things and analyzing people and what not. i've always been one to think that people should find a career they love, do what you love. but i guess its not always possible.. sometimes.. really, alot of times people have to do what they have to do just to get by. guess i wasnt thinking about that factor then. but i've been working at a new job, and it's not something i love, but i enjoy the challenge i suppose but i know this isnt forever, it's just what i have to do to get where i wanna go. i think it's kinda silly i even asked the quesiton - of course they have dreams and ambitions, we all do. right? i guess it just matters how determined you are..better yet it matters who's hands your putting your life in - your own hands? or His hands?
today is the day. i'm on my flight to Chile right now. through Florida and about half an hour or so into the trip. so about 8 1/2 more hours! I got lucky and on both my connections flights and my current flights no one sat next to me. i'm especially glad about that on this flights so i cant stretch out and hopefully i'll sleep some. so i noticed alot of things today. i was looking out the plane window and i saw the guys outsdie directing the planes. or driving the carts with luggage and i thought to myself .. are they gonna psent ht erest of their lives doing that? signaling airplanes and moving luggage? it made me wonder, dont these people ahve dreams too? goals and amibitions? or do they actually want that for their life? maybe they dont belive their goals and dreams can be achieved. and althought i have doubts for my dreams at times, i cant imagine spending my life just settling for a mediocre life. working to live and living to work.
i like airports. i didnt get to spend a whoel lot of time in one today but i like people watching, wondering who they are, where they are going and what their story is. i wonder if people look at me and ask the same questions. its now 10:34pm and we are heading off the coast of florida and towards cuba. welel that's all for now.
ps. airplane food sucks. at least there was bread and butter.. my favorite! :)
well this is a bit more light-hearted than previous posts. but such a good example of how im always thinking about random things and analyzing people and what not. i've always been one to think that people should find a career they love, do what you love. but i guess its not always possible.. sometimes.. really, alot of times people have to do what they have to do just to get by. guess i wasnt thinking about that factor then. but i've been working at a new job, and it's not something i love, but i enjoy the challenge i suppose but i know this isnt forever, it's just what i have to do to get where i wanna go. i think it's kinda silly i even asked the quesiton - of course they have dreams and ambitions, we all do. right? i guess it just matters how determined you are..better yet it matters who's hands your putting your life in - your own hands? or His hands?
feeling blessed
journal entry from 8.7.2008
this was written in my last few days at camp ozark last summer..
only nine more days! i cant wait! i feel finally content just being by myself. i've been thinking alot lately about how it's been just about a year since i accepted Christ. I cant believe it! but i am so happy to be this place in my life. i'm excited to see what God has planned for me this fall, and how he plans to use me. I really want to write a special note to each of the people who played an important role in this process over the past year. especially to those there at the beginning. Eric, Stephanie, Gina, Lindsay, Kyle, Jennifer, Lynette, Christina, Caroline and Caroline. and to my friends from high school who supported me in my decision. i just feel so belssed to have so many amaizng people and beautiful people in my life. i thank God so much for this life and all that i ahve. its more than i could have ever asked for.
another intersting entry to go back and read and reflect on... i never wrote those notes. i believe i said a few personal thank yous. but i really wish i would have written those notes, especially to caroline. i was excited about last fall and living with caroline and i just felt like so many good things were ahead of me. and in reality so many good things were ahead of me. it was hard to see that when caroline died but her life has impacted me dramatically and i'm so thankful for that. I'm still grateful to all those who really supported me and helped me last year, through begining my walk with Christ and also just with lifes struggles. i recieved unbelieveable amounts of encouragement and it means so much. i'm still so grateful for the life i've been given. and once again i look ahead with excitment and hope for what God has for my future.
this was written in my last few days at camp ozark last summer..
only nine more days! i cant wait! i feel finally content just being by myself. i've been thinking alot lately about how it's been just about a year since i accepted Christ. I cant believe it! but i am so happy to be this place in my life. i'm excited to see what God has planned for me this fall, and how he plans to use me. I really want to write a special note to each of the people who played an important role in this process over the past year. especially to those there at the beginning. Eric, Stephanie, Gina, Lindsay, Kyle, Jennifer, Lynette, Christina, Caroline and Caroline. and to my friends from high school who supported me in my decision. i just feel so belssed to have so many amaizng people and beautiful people in my life. i thank God so much for this life and all that i ahve. its more than i could have ever asked for.
another intersting entry to go back and read and reflect on... i never wrote those notes. i believe i said a few personal thank yous. but i really wish i would have written those notes, especially to caroline. i was excited about last fall and living with caroline and i just felt like so many good things were ahead of me. and in reality so many good things were ahead of me. it was hard to see that when caroline died but her life has impacted me dramatically and i'm so thankful for that. I'm still grateful to all those who really supported me and helped me last year, through begining my walk with Christ and also just with lifes struggles. i recieved unbelieveable amounts of encouragement and it means so much. i'm still so grateful for the life i've been given. and once again i look ahead with excitment and hope for what God has for my future.
Friday, July 24, 2009
who i was intended to be..
journal entry from january 10, 2008
i know that God has made me passionate abuot two things - music and people. i feel like i am getting closer to figuring out what God wants to do with me more specifically. i know that i want and feel like i should do something in the music industry but i dont know exactly what i am going to do to make an impact, or how will i get there.
"THIS IS YOUR LIFE, ARE YOU WHO YOU WANT TO BE" " switchfoot.
i am becoming who i want to be as i continue to learn about my identity in Christ. I am begining to live my life in such a way that not only i am pleased but that the Lord is hopefully pleased with me as well. I am becoming the Aliciana God intended for me to be. I am letting Him show me the way.
its pretty interesting to go back and read this. see where i was at that point in my life. here i sit a year and a half or so later. i no longer feel like the music industry is where i'm headed, thats for sure. it's not even what i desire to do anymore. however i am still passionate about those two things - music and people. better year - i'm passionate about three things. God, music and people. but that passion for God is something that came with time. I love being able to see the beginning of my journey. a year and a half doesnt seem so long, but i have grown alot.. a ton actually. and i'm STILL only at the beginning. how crazy is that. I'm the Aliciana God always intended for me to be. 21 years of life..and i finally got here. feels nice. but there's a better me ahead.. but that comes with time.
the introduction
i started journaling in january of 2008. caroline inspired me to do so. i had previously kept a journal when i was younger but stopped writing at the age of 15 because my parents found and read my diary and i felt it was a huge invasion of my privacy and what once felt safe and something that only belonged to me was exposed. so i quit. but like i said, caroline inspired me to journal again, especially about what God was doing in my life and things i was learning.
i dont know what prompted this blog but i thought why not do it. so heres how it goes. i have a total of three or four journals now that are partially or fully completed. every so often, hopefully every week or maybe even more frequently i'll post an entry from my journal. it could be current or it could be old. really just whatever i'm feeling. im inviting you to a 'behing the scenes' look into my life i suppose. kinda scary. i've always been pretty open with my friends and people in general about my life, myself and my feelings but thats dwindled a bit over the past couple of years. and its been nice to keep alot of things in the security of my journals. but like i said, i dont know why i'm even really doing this.. just feel compelled to. so i am. maybe you'll read something and be like "hey i've been there too" or maybe you'll say "wow, i never knew aliciana thought this or that" or you'll just think i'm weird ha. but whatever it is you think, i just hope you read and maybe learn something new about me or life or love or God or anything really.
as for the title of this blog. well its currently "let there be morning" . it's a title of a song by the pershers. again - no real reason. i just like the way it sounds. it could change. but maybe its something like this. if its a good day i'm hoping that tomorrow morning comes and its another day filled with the joys of life. if it's not such a great day and im feeling overwhelmed, i'm hoping i wake up and theres morning to start a new day and hope for something better. yeah. thats it. so rain or shine, happy or sad.. i just hope that there will be light, and that there will be morning.
peace and love.
aliciana
i dont know what prompted this blog but i thought why not do it. so heres how it goes. i have a total of three or four journals now that are partially or fully completed. every so often, hopefully every week or maybe even more frequently i'll post an entry from my journal. it could be current or it could be old. really just whatever i'm feeling. im inviting you to a 'behing the scenes' look into my life i suppose. kinda scary. i've always been pretty open with my friends and people in general about my life, myself and my feelings but thats dwindled a bit over the past couple of years. and its been nice to keep alot of things in the security of my journals. but like i said, i dont know why i'm even really doing this.. just feel compelled to. so i am. maybe you'll read something and be like "hey i've been there too" or maybe you'll say "wow, i never knew aliciana thought this or that" or you'll just think i'm weird ha. but whatever it is you think, i just hope you read and maybe learn something new about me or life or love or God or anything really.
as for the title of this blog. well its currently "let there be morning" . it's a title of a song by the pershers. again - no real reason. i just like the way it sounds. it could change. but maybe its something like this. if its a good day i'm hoping that tomorrow morning comes and its another day filled with the joys of life. if it's not such a great day and im feeling overwhelmed, i'm hoping i wake up and theres morning to start a new day and hope for something better. yeah. thats it. so rain or shine, happy or sad.. i just hope that there will be light, and that there will be morning.
peace and love.
aliciana
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