overcome with grief..

this entry was not dated in my journal but was written around the 11th or 12th of November 2008, shortly after caroline passed away...

i'm sitting at the ferg right now. i hear the sound of a hundred voices around me and it's like the whole world around me is moving at the speed of light and i'm stuck here..unmoved. i have responsobilities and i ahve to go on..but it's like the world doesn't allow you to mourn hwo you want for however long you want. i dont care about school. i dont care about work or making money. i dont want clothes. i dont want to do my everyday, beacuse now my everyday is missing caroline. i know she is with me in everything i do. but i miss her laugh. i miss going to her room everyday. i miss hearing the coffee maker in the morning. i miss seeing her smile. i miss her stories, her advice, her text messages, i miss making tea together. i miss everything. it's so overwhelming to think about. it's hard to breathe and everything reminds me of her. i just want her back. and i know thats selfish. i knwo she is where she is supposed to be. she is happier in heaven than she ver was on this earth. but my heart hurts. she was one of the greatest friends of my life. it seems like no one compares. she knew EVERYTHING about me. every weakness i saw in myself, every fear, every struggles, every triumph, everything in my past and everything i wanted in my future. i just want tone more conversation with her, so badly. i feel so lost today. i feel like i make no sense. i feel crazy and broken. how can something make so much sense and no sense at all, all at one time?

wow it's kind of difficult to go back and read that entry.. to relive those thoughts and feelings. The grieving process was difficult for me. especially when no one was around.. i felt so overcome by everything at that point. i felt like i was falling apart.. that was 9 months ago. I still miss caroline just as much and not a day goes by that i dont think of her or tell someone about her. she is on my mind frequently. but i am not overcome with grief. I am at peace now because God was with me the whole way. He ultimately was the one who got me through it all. and when i have my moments where i feel overcome and saddened again, God's right there to pick me up again and remind me to rejoice. I remember when Bryan came to my apartment the morning after the accident.. he packed some things of carolines in his car to take to atlanta.. one of those things being carolines bulletin board from her room that was filled with colored notecards that had her favorite verses written on them. the one that jumped out at me and that i couldnt stop looking at was Phillipians 4:4 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" in a time where i felt like it was utterly impossible to rejoice, this is the verse that stood out. pretty crazy. im thankful that i wrote down my thoughts in those most difficult moments..because now i'm able to look back and see where i am now and be thankful of how God responded to my grief and how he helped me get through it all. he was my strength.